I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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