I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
