I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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