Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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