anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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