My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
