11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
