I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
