Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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