Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
