you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
