: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
