When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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