Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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