I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
