For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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