Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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