Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
