There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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