I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
