In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
