she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
