Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize