so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
