Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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