i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
