just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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