Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
