I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
