this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
