Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
