We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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