My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
