Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize