I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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