like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
