she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
