i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
