moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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