if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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