i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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