I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize