so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
