Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
