Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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