she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
