I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
