If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
