happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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