My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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