i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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