my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
