I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
