He passed out mid-signature
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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