Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
