Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
