he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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