We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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